Wednesday, September 17, 2014

There are perks, too

So I've been doing a lot of boo-hooing lately and I think it's time to snap out of it.  Let's put aside the chronic-illness-legs-don't-work-everything-sucks mindset and talk about the perks and the weird, fascinating, interesting phenomena that accompany this diagnosis.

1. Clonus Reflex (not me in the video, by the way)
What's that you ask? Well I can't really fidget anymore. But, if a certain part of the ball of my foot hits the floor, my leg(s) start to involuntarily bounce up and down. It's kind of fascinating. And if I move my feet just so in one direction, it immediately stops.

2. Hyperrefelexia (also not me; the man legs give it away)
Doctors have learned over the years to not sit on their lil' stools right in front of me when it's time to check my reflexes or they risk a kick in the nuts. It's funny to me. Is that bad?

3. Being virtually impervious to pain.
After 13 years of shots, IV infusions, blood draws, vaccines, urodynamic tests (note: not dynamic in any sense of the word), Botox in my butt (yes, really), I've built an impressive tolerance to pain. Eyebrow wax? Tattoos? Pssh. Child's play.

4. Random strangers apologizing to me
What are they sorry for? It's fun to imagine there's a giant conspiracy with a network of people personally responsible for my current state, ala Olivia in Fringe and the Cortexiphan trial she unwillingly took part in as a child. My imagination: kind of awesome. But seriously, stop apologizing to me unless it's really warranted.

5. Am I too drunk to walk straight? You'll never know.
Don't get me wrong; I'm a lightweight. When I'm sober, I already walk in such a way that implies otherwise. BUT, there's no way to stumble when you're seated in a scooter.  And no, asshole on your fourth Amstel Light, I can not "get a DUI on that thing". I can, however, run over your feet... on "accident".

6. Chivalry is not dead
Doors are opened, planes are pre-boarded, amusement park, security and check-in lines are faster because I can skip in front of all you able-bodied suckas. I am whisked up flights of stairs by burly men. Complete strangers carry my trays of food and move objects out of my path without me having to ask.  Not to mention primo seating at concerts and the best parking spaces. Basically, I'm VIP everywhere I go. Yes, you can be jealous if I can be jealous of your functioning legs. That's what fancy people call "quid pro quo".

Only six?!  Yeah, I haven't hit the lottery.  But those are pretty decent consolation prizes.  Hey, I'll take it.

LATE ADDITION:
I totally just thought of this.

7. All you suckers walking around wear the soles down on your shoes.  Not me!  Save for the few steps from my door to my car, my shoes virtually look brand new.  Ha!